Sex by numbers
To bring this particular partner to orgasm, complete the following steps:
Make out for less than one minute
Be gently forced to your knees to suck dick for a little more than a minute
Be lifted back up to a standing position and turned around
Have your bottoms pulled down just enough
Be fucked from behind for approximately three minutes
If you would prefer to do this differently or incorporate anything that might lead to you being pleasured, then you can try the following:
Shyly bring up the fact that you guys have sex the same way, every time*
Request that he perform oral on you, since you do it for him**
Attempt to switch positions while you’re bent over the bed***
*This may lead to him explaining that this is the only way that he can get off and he’ll convince you that his needs are more important than yours.
**This may lead to him stating that he “doesn’t do that”, with a note of disgust that makes you think about the sweaty aftertaste his dick leaves in your mouth.
***This may lead to him exclaiming, “What are you doing?!” and then trying to get you back into position, only for him to lose his erection and make you feel bad for causing that turn of events.
Now, he’s really cute and you think that this maybe has some potential, so you go along with it for a while, ignoring the fear that you’ll never orgasm again. Once you master these steps, you’ll get a new surprise:
“Hey, I can’t see you anymore because I realized that I am in love with my ex-girlfriend and I wrote her this really long letter explaining my feelings and how I totally fucked everything up and how I want her back, and I gave it to her this weekend, and now we’re back together. Actually, we’re engaged.”
Immediately, you’ll feel shocked, and that’s okay! All of that potential is thrown out the window and you don’t want to be the girl that complains, so say “Congratulations” and give him a hug. He may linger too long and then grab your ass and try to kiss you. If this happens, then you can do one of the following options:
Go along with it and have unfulfilling sex, probably in one of your cars, while his new fiancé waits for him at home
Say, “Are you fucking serious?”, leave his embrace, enter your car, and drive away
If you go with the first option, then he’ll get what he wants and you’ll probably be left feeling shitty. If you instead go with the second option, then you’ll immediately get over this sham of a relationship and you’ll feel pity for his future wife because she’ll only ever have sex one way with a man who’s ready to cheat on her at any second.
AA meetings are probably not the best place to meet men.
